Learning to Forgive Print E-mail
Share This Article:
Delicious
Digg
Reddit
NewsVine
Stumble
Technorati
YahooMyWeb
Ma.gnolia
Written by Amanda C. Bauch   

Latrino Gal #8; Photo by Jacqui Bellamy
Latrino Gal #8; Photo by Jacqui Bellamy
He had been dying for awhile.  Cancer.  First the liver, then spreading out of control.  I envisioned an internal forest fire, blazing a path of destruction through his vital organs.

No one in my family understood why I refused to visit my great-grandfather at home, sitting in that same brown leather recliner.  The one time they guilt-tripped me into going, I only glanced his way walking from the front door to the kitchen.  Gone were the Old Milwaukee beer cans and ashtray overflowing with stubs of Camels, replaced by a glass of water and pill bottles.  My brother leaned over his inert form, preparing to empty the catheter bag tucked between the recliner and the side table dimpled with cigarette burns.  With my brother's broad shoulders blocking him from my view, I gratefully hurried past, into the warmth and welcoming cinnamon aroma of my great-grandmother baking pumpkin bread.

When he was in the hospital and had no chance of surviving, I still wouldn't visit him.  At thirteen, I may have been eight years older, but I had forgotten and forgiven nothing.

My Uncle Bert and his second wife, Aunt Francis, finally convinced me to go.  "This may be the last time you'll see him alive, Amanda."  Although secretly delighted, I chastised myself for being so heartless.  As the days in southwestern New York had grown shorter with the impending winter, so had my patience with his dwindling existence and my family's incessant concern about him.

I bundled up in my winter gear--coat, boots, mittens, scarf, and hat, with only my face peering out--and we braved the elements to drive to the hospital.

Uncle Bert, Aunt Francis, and I shuffled inside his room, looking like humans that had just been magically released from the confines of snowmen.  I glanced at the innumerable machines and monitors, blinking and beeping.  The only one I recognized was the heart monitor, which kept a lazy rhythm to his barely-perceptible pulse.  Inhaling, I almost gagged on the smell of ammonia and stale urine.  Uncle Bert and Aunt Francis stood at a respectful distance, allowing me space to say goodbye.

I finally forced my gaze to the bed.  I wanted to see him suffering, dying inside--just as I had died inside so many times because of him.

Could this shriveled half-person, sunken into the bed, slowly being erased, possibly be the monster in the living room, the one I feared for so long?

"Why don't you go up next to the bed and put your hand in his?" Aunt Francis suggested.  My fear of arousing any suspicion forced me to do as she asked.  I could have taken that gnarled hand, with protruding bones and indigo-blue veins, that hand that did unspeakable things to me, and crush it in my smooth, strong one.  Instead I hovered my hand over his, without making contact.  I bent my head low so no one could see my face, and I glared at him.

His eyes slowly opened.  They were vacuous, light blue depths.  I took his hand in earnest, hoping that if I did he would look at me and see the hatred in my eyes.  No response.  He was already dead inside.

Giving his hand a gentle squeeze, I let it slide back to lie motionless on the bed.

About the Author
Amanda C. Bauch, writer and teacher, received an MFA in Creative Writing from Lesley University.  Her fiction and nonfiction has appeared online in Tattoo Highway, Bent Pin Quarterly, The Hiss Quarterly, and Writer Advice, and a memoir piece was published in the book Tainted Mirror: An Anthology.  She also won an honorable mention in the 2007 Writers' Workshop of Asheville Memoir Contest and second place in the 2006 Lantern Books Essay Contest.  Her current works-in-progress include a young adult novel and a memoir....

Comments (0)add comment

Write comment
quote
bold
italicize
underline
strike
url
image
quote
quote
smile
wink
laugh
grin
angry
sad
shocked
cool
tongue
kiss
cry
smaller | bigger

busy
 
Share This Article:
Delicious
Digg
Reddit
NewsVine
Stumble
Technorati
YahooMyWeb
Ma.gnolia
< Prev   Next >

Latest Comments

"Tits... or Ass?!"
EXACTLY......empowering?? Wow any girl on that show that feels empowered is very confused. That is such an insult to one...
Becoming a Vagina Warrior
Leisha, again congrats on your award this year. You truly are an amazing women, and you stand by everything you say and ...
"Tits... or Ass?!"
People thinking that putting a nearly naked chick up on a pedestal is "loving," "respecting," "admiring," and "empowerin...
"Tits... or Ass?!"
I know! They are so smug... as if they have the best job for women in the entire universe. I shouldn't judge, I guess, b...
"Tits... or Ass?!"
funny you would write about this - I never watched this and this week I was flipping the tv around between hockey period...

Meet the Cover Artist

In This Issue: Meet Jacqui Bellamy of Pixelwitch Pictures

A graduate in Fine Art, Jacqui founded Pixelwitch Pictures in 2004 as an umbrella for her photography and film-making skills.   Read More...

Sponsored Link

macys.com

Advertisement

Apple iTunes

Sponsored Link

Hollywood Triple Feature $24 for 2 or more

Arts

Featured Poets

Meet our featured poet...   

In This Issue: Talented feminist poet Annette Marie Hyder honors Mother's Day with a selection of her work

Fiction & Poetry

The art of creative expression...

In This Issue: Selections from Peter Schwartz, Agnieszka Niemira, Pavelle Wesser, and Emily Habermehl. And, Amanda C. Bauch learns how to forgive. More...

The Feminist Experience

The Feminist Experience

The department that celebrates the merge of Real Life experiences with Feminista! perspectives.

In This Issue: Nelly J. Aguilar and Sarah Eddenden each talk about the unique challenges of mothering a boy... and our very own Leisha Sagan is honored as a Vagina Warrior. Read more...

Self-Empowerment

Self-Empowerment

Self-improvement perspectives, advice, articles, and fun.

In This Issue: The power of positive thinking; a lesson in dealing with narcissists; and more...

Sexuality

Sexuality

Erotic articles, short stories, and more.

In This Issue: Tantric desire as an evolutionary tool... Read more...

Latest Blog Entries

Keith Olbermann: If You Can't Win Against Hillary, "Beat" Her
 Oh. My. God.For those who still somehow believe that there isn't a nee ...
Who Is Your Super(s)hero?
 Do you have a superhero - or as we feminists like to call them superSHEro ...
Women of the Vine
Calling all feminist wine lovers! Women of the Vine, the "first-of-its ...
"Tits... or Ass?!"
I'll admit it. I kinda like "Deal or No Deal." I enjoy seeing peop ...
Superlove - Blog Roundup
Here's a little linky-love blog roundup of all the fabulous Superlove at th ...
Vagina-love, Super-love
This weekend is all about Superlove in New Orleans.Celebrating 10 years of V-D ...
Erections for All, Abortions for None!
As a reminder of what's truly important to our government, it has surfaced that ...

Feminist Flickr

Want to see your Flickr account featured?
E-mail flickr(at)empowerment4women(dot)com with your Flickr RSS feed URL.

Advertisements

Advertisements

Who's Online

We have 3 guests online

Advertisements

© 2001-2008 Empowerment4Women. All rights reserved.  |  Website by stetprose.  |  Disclaimer & Privacy