I have something to say about my heart. And something, perhaps, to tell yours. This might have less to do with my experience as a feminist, and more to do with my experience as a human, but I often feel like feminism is mostly about having compassion for fellow humans, so it still feels like a fit here in this space.
This has been brewing for awhile. It's a feeling I have that no one considers the value of being open anymore. That no matter what the circumstance--whether it be in relationships, jobs, family life, or general interactions with people--that most of us have stopped trying to be open. What do I mean by "open"? Well, it means a lot of things. It means being compassionate. It means having radical acceptance for those around you, even in the absence of understanding. It means trusting that even though trust is broken all the time; it's a notion worth believing in. It means living on the light side of life, with an acknowledgment that darkness exists, but needs not to be lived in. Openness, to me, is about vulnerability. It's about accepting that the wider you open your heart, the more pain you are allowing to enter, but also realizing that the narrower the opening, the harder it is for love to find its way in. If an open heart lets in both pain and love, the trick of course is not letting pain fill all the spaces where you want love to be. So, one needs to not let pain deflate a whole heart into a space that doesn't leave any room for love. Don't let pain shut out love.
It's easy to be jaded, but don't let it happen, friends; you'll lose in the end. Take romance. I've dodged several metaphorical bullets to the heart, but this is not always a reason to surrender. I recently described my approach to budding romances to a friend like this: "I run towards the potential of new love with my heart under my arm like a football. Helmet snapped in place, ready to bounce off people's cold, hard hearts." Now, you don't all have to be sensitive softies who dive into things head first like me. But, I would nonetheless encourage some consideration of openness.
My words on this subject are not a thinly veiled story about heartbreak. Sure, I've had my heart broken here and there; who hasn't? But this issue, to me, isn't just about failed romances, lost friends, or even having your spirit crushed. It's about the notion that to be willing to accept love, and hope, and strength, and all other life-renewing positive feelings, we have to remain open. And I guess somewhere along the way, people started looking closed to me. Or insensitive. Or just plain robotic. What ever happened to feeling things? Are we so used to sterile, modern conveniences, that we've deemed even our own feelings about things to be too messy and unclean, so we've done away with them, too? Have we relegated feelings to the pile of 'things we don't need in our new efficient life'? I refuse to feel jaded about this either, so, I'm talking to you about it.
I'm sure you're wondering where all this is coming from...what, exactly, do I mean when I say people aren't open anymore? Well, it's a lot of things, to be honest. It's not just one disappointment or another, it's a lot of small things that make me feel like I should bring it to your attention. It's all the fabulous women (and men!) in my life who try tirelessly to find someone who will appreciate them, and love them, for the fabulous people they already are. But I know what you're thinking: that's an old story. But it's more. It's the friends who are in relationships, and unhappy, but scared to open themselves up to the vulnerability it takes to leave someone and move on. And then it steps right out of relationships and romantic love and bleeds into our work life and feelings of productivity. With a closed heart, people don't feel able to stand up for what they deserve from an employer; they don't consider themselves good enough for a raise. With their closed hearts and shrunken pride, they sit, unfeeling, at their desks. Why are we so afraid of feelings?
You could call what I call an open heart a lot of things. You could say I'm talking about is self-confidence, or self-respect, or courage, or pride. It's all of those things. But it's about letting yourself be open enough to getting hurt, in whatever chance you are taking, in order to gain what you're after. It's about balance. A friend once used the analogy that you can live your life in a range of emotions as long as a pen, or as long as a broomstick. The pen will always be easy to pick up and balance on your finger. It's easy to locate the point of balance, and therefore find stability. It's harder with a broomstick of emotions to find that balance. You'll end up with less overall stability. But that doesn't mean that range of emotions isn't worth feeling. It's what helps us identify what we need, instead of being numb to it. Instead of closing up to all of it... love, a better job, a better life, anything--try feeling it. It's about respecting yourself enough to let yourself be vulnerable, while not getting discouraged and working towards getting what you want.
Because, as another friend once reminded me of (something that none of us should ever forget): "You're worth it."
I know this slogan was appropriated by a hair product company, but I don't care, it's still an important idea. I'm reclaiming it. You're worth it. All of you readers out there. Why am I, some stranger from the Internet, giving you a pep talk about how valuable you are? As if you even needed it? Well, because I think everyone should take a moment to remember their self-worth. We all get beaten down occasionally by whatever it is that life is currently throwing at us. And it's always useful, in my humble opinion, to remain open, and vulnerable, and to keep letting in the good stuff with the bad, in order to not shut yourself off from feelings. Why? Because you're worth it. You're worth getting to feel it all. You'll get somewhere with those feelings, trust me. You may not know where it is, but it's away from not-feeling. And not-feeling gets you no where.
A lot of these musings came from being a cast member of The Vagina Monologues for the fifth year in a row. Each February, my heart is opened wider than I ever could have imagined it being opened. Subsequently, in swarms sadness, anger, bitterness, and rage about all the violence women on this earth suffer through. And then in swarms fear of it happening to me, or my sister, or my friends, or my mother, or my future daughters. And then, just when I want to shut my heart closed for good, never to feel another human emotion again; just when I think it is filled to the brim with negativity about all the things one has to consider when one takes in all the experiences of women... in swarms hope. In swarms strength, pride, happiness, solidarity, and love for those around me. For those who have endured violence, and for those who support those who have. For those who hate it, but work to transform it.
This got me thinking that this could extend to anything in our lives, really. It doesn't have to be the experience of violence against women. Lots of people experience terrible, heartbreaking things. Many different types of things. But if we approach them with an open heart, I believe we can get through anything. If we believe that we are worth transforming anything by feeling it, acknowledging it, and changing it, then we can do it. It takes having an open heart, accepting that this comes with pain from time to time, and remaining open long enough to let in what you were missing out on before.
Who knows? It just might work, and leave us all a little happier and fulfilled. Why do I think you should try? Because I do think you're worth it. Seriously. We all are.
About the Author
Emilie Bourque was born, raised, and currently resides in St. John's, on the rocky island of Newfoundland, in Canada. People are her passion, and she can usually be found either interviewing them, writing about them, thinking about them, or serving them supper. She is a feminist, a freelance journalist, an activist, a restaurant server, a crisis line volunteer, and an aunt.
Oh Emilie this is a beautiful article! Thanks so much for sharing that, im glad i had the pleasure of spending some moments of my snowy sunday in that warm awesome heart of yours! we are worth it! we have to know and not forget that!
Tammy -- thanks so much for your comments, they mean the world to me! It's great to know that this random stuff I put out there is read and appreciated by wonderful people I know, like you! Cheers to feeling warm and fuzzy on such a cold, snowy day!
wow..Emilie this is a great piece of writing. I really enjoyed reading it, and it spoke to me on so many levels.. and you are right We are worth it.. we are so worth it.
Haha, I never know if people are writing from here in town, or all the way across the world! Thanks for reading it, and for posting your thoughts Bernice.
My curse is my gift. My nightmares, deep sensitivity, and emotional instability gives the best (and most uncomfortable) inspirations I could ever have. For me, art is passion - and visions are the mirror, which show my feelings and connect me with the rest of the world. Read More...
Emilie Bourque was born, raised, and currently resides in St. John's, on the rocky island of Newfoundland, in Canada. People are her passion, and she can usually be found either interviewing them, writing about them, thinking about them, or serving them supper. She is a feminist, a freelance journalist, an activist, a restaurant server, a crisis line volunteer, and an aunt.
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