Every day, we are confronted with challenges big and small. In a period of four years, I lost my mother, father, younger sister, and a close aunt. They died from various causes: brain tumor, bone cancer, breast cancer, and suicide.

People look at me in disbelief when I tell them my story. They ask how I survived, and I asked myself the same question. At first I said I don't know how I got through it. But upon reflection, I found I used many coping mechanisms that I didn't even know I had. And I believe each and every one of us has these resources that we can draw on to get through any life challenge.

1. Do Something

I couldn't change the fact that Vita (my mother) was going to be in a hospital indefinitely. But what I could do was make her stay more pleasant. Once a week I would send her big colorful cards with comforting words. I decorated her hospital room with huge posters I got from vendors at computer trade shows when I was on the road. I bought her special nightgowns to wear so she'd feel pretty, even with a tracheotomy tube in her neck. I combed her hair and polished her nails whenever she was up to it. From the smile on her face and the love in her eyes, I could tell these small things helped her through each day of her three year hospital stay.

When you're in a terrible situation, it's very easy to feel defeated. In fact, it's almost comforting to know that there isn't anything you can do, that it's out of your control. On the other hand, immersing yourself in the situation and doing something about it is actually a coping mechanism. By creating solutions, you are coping. Stop whining and start doing. You may not be able to tackle the entire problem. Try starting with one small thing.

2. Be Optimistic

The doctors taking care of my mother said she would never be able to eat real food ever again. For three years they were right. In an Italian family such as ours, food was often more important than love! I decided not to accept their dismal prediction, and I found a voice and throat specialist who worked with Vita's gag reflex that prevented her from swallowing. Within three weeks she was able to eat soft baby food. In four months she was able to eat normal foods by practicing her vocal exercises, by chewing slowly and swallowing towards one side. I feel by following my optimistic intuition and not accepting the pronouncements of the doctor as final, I played no small part in this transformation. Vita's willingness combined with the specialist's expertise and our encouragement brought a vital part of living back into her life.

If you look hard enough, you can find the silver lining to every difficulty. Keep your optimism alive and persist in looking until you find anything, even the littlest thing that you can get enthusiastic about.

3. Have Faith

It's faith that allows me to believe that death is just an illusion. I believe the soul is eternal. I know I communicate with Vita, Tommy, Martha, and Yolanda through my thoughts and prayers. They've often answered my questions in dreams. It's like they are just in another room.

Faith allows me to say, "What's meant to be, is meant to be. It is what it is, and I am what I am." It allows me to surrender to something greater than me and to life itself. It allows me to believe that things work out for the best - the way they are supposed to work out.

4. Pray or Meditate

Amidst the turmoil in my life during the time of all those tragedies, it was prayer and meditation that calmed me down, made me feel like I was not alone. It gave me a place to expose all my emotions from anger to hate to doubt to love to forgiveness to joy. That was the best therapy I could ever have. I continue these conversations with God every day.

Never underestimate the power of prayer and meditation. It makes no difference what your religious beliefs are. Prayer and meditation are just forms of communication that connect your inner power to the power of the universe. In prayer, you are talking. In meditation, you are listening. This is your personal link or lifeline to God, the Creator, or however you define it.

5. Learn to Love

One thing I learned about was how much love the disabled need. It wasn't until Vita became wheelchair bound with a protruding tracheotomy in her neck, a swollen stomach, and uncoordinated movements that I became aware of how most people, including myself, tended to ignore the disabled and look the other way as if they did not exist. Now I look them in the eye, give them a friendly smile, and talk to them. Everyone deserves to be loved no matter how they look.

I wasn't always the prettiest, the smartest, or always the winner, but I know I am special, and so are you. Everyone has something to offer. I believe when you send messages of love to yourself and to others, no matter what they look like or who they are, you get back that same love, tenfold.

6. Develop a Diversion

Do something that takes your mind off worry and despair. My job, in the competitive high-tech market, though demanding, balanced the other part of my life, which was, to say the least haywire! It fed my ego and my sense of self worth, and helped divert my attention away from the pain I was feeling so much of the time.

When everything feels out of control, you need something in your life that you can control, a place where your actions produce positive results. You might choose another diversion such as a hobby or a sport. Finding a positive focus takes your mind off that all-consuming problem and allows you to put it in perspective.

7. Accept What You Can't Change

I couldn't change the fact that my sister, Martha committed suicide but I could do something about the guilt I felt over it by seeking professional help. I couldn't change the fact that my Aunt Yolanda was dying of breast cancer so I focused on visiting her every day and bringing her food.

Accepting what I couldn't change and taking action on what I could, helped keep me balanced and sane.

8. Remember Your Inner Strength

When I was offered a promotion to move to California, it was hard to leave my sick mother behind in New York. It took a lot of strength to make the decision to go, but I knew it was the right thing not only for my career but for my sanity and my family as well. I followed my gut and never made excuses for my decision. Life just doesn't stay on hold when people are sick. I couldn't keep up the pace of my job and hold the family and my household at my home together at the same time. Plus I knew I could still be of help via phone calls and frequent trips to New York.

Strength of character means making decisions that feel right to you and sticking by them. This can be your inner foundation. When you're faced with big challenges it becomes even more important to listen to those inner, guiding voices. This goes hand-in-hand with integrity and not giving up on what you believe in.

9. Find the Humor

At one point, my parents were in the hospital at the same time. My father, Tommy, was on one floor dying of bone cancer, while Vita, my mother, who had been chronically ill for seven years, was struggling with pneumonia on another. And Martha, my sister, had just killed herself a year earlier. I though about how funny my sister Angela and I must have looked, like two characters in a silent movie. I could almost hear the piano music playing in the background as we ran from floor to floor, maneuvering around patients on gurneys, visitors and staff.

It's so important not to take yourself too seriously. Sometimes the most difficult circumstances can provide the most humor.

10. Move On

Of course, I still wish Vita, Tommy, Martha, and Yolanda were still alive today, but they're not, and I am making peace with that. I know I did the best I could at the time. It's behind me now. I'm looking at now, and at the future, and trying to let go of the past. I'm not angry anymore about those years of family tragedies. What I decided to do from the experience of losing the people I loved is to share what I've learned about it and to keep moving forward.

Many of us tend to hang onto the past even though rationally we know we cannot change what has happened. If you dwell on things and people from the past, and on painful parts of your life, then it ends up draining your spirit. The past represents baggage that drags me down so I let go of it like a hot potato. I have found that letting go and letting new experiences and people come into my life help heal me. I wish the same for you.

This article is an excerpt from Debbie Gisonni's book, The Goddess of Happiness: A Down-to-Earth Guide for Heavenly Bliss. Copies are available at bookstores or online at: Amazon.com.

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