Step One: Identifying the Problem

When it comes to self-image, there's always been one thing I'm good at: loathing myself. Whether it has to do with my weight, my complexion, my health conditions, my personality flaws, or the size of my pocketbook, I've never had problems rounding up a list of things I wish I could change about myself. Thus begins my journey toward self-enlightenment. With the help of a journal, some tears, a healthy dose of spirituality, and, yes, at times a professional, I am now setting off on a path that is paved with self-love. not hate.

My story, while complex, isn't that different, I think, from many women in today's society. It consists of broken marriages, mixed families, torturous adolescent experiences, growing pains, and learning life's lessons the hard way. It consists of grief and heartache and loneliness - but also of sisterhood and family and love. I have mostly attained my happy ending - but there are still issues I confront each and every day. Through this column I will expose and explore my own thoughts and feelings - sometimes coherently, other times probably more in a journalistic style - so as to provide, for the reader, a step-by-step guide for discovering one's own self-enlightenment and love. My goal is to outline a plan which, hopefully, will help even those whose experiences don't mirror my own.

And so, without further ado, I've found that the most helpful place to start is at the beginning.

Lesson Number One: Embrace, Not Avoid

I'm the Queen of Avoidance. I can avoid anything: responsibility, authority, phone calls, the mirror. See, avoidance was - and always has been - my first defense mechanism. It's the way in which I cope with my outside world. Jeans feeling a bit snug? My growing body size can be easily ignored by simply not looking at it. Feeling overwhelmed? That's okay; don't answer the phone today, or call in sick to work.

That's how I had lived my life for several years. Sure, I will still instinctively turn to my avoidance mechanism for certain circumstances, but the fact that I've recognized it makes it much easier for me to now come to terms with this natural response. I've learned that avoiding a situation isn't going to make it go away - and my avoidance isn't helping anything; in fact, it's simply another form of procrastination: I might not have to deal with my weight, my full schedule, or my personal conflicts today. but I'll surely have to face the music tomorrow.

One of the first lessons I learned while on this road toward self-love is that by embracing something today - good or bad - it will help me feel better tomorrow. Avoiding issues only makes them compound into something that eventually blows completely out of proportion. By not looking in the mirror for several months, I gained 20 pounds - and barely noticed. By calling in sick to work a few extra days a year, it eventually affected my job performance - not to mention my relationships with my co-workers. And by drinking and partying my troubles away, I was not only affecting my social life but also my health.

My avoidance was compounding my problems, not to mention feeding a toxic circle of self-loathing. My self-hate would make me want to avoid a situation. Then, when I avoided, I'd feel guilty about it later, which would cause even more self-loathing.

One thing was for certain: The cycle had to be stopped.

You Know What They Say: "The First Cut is the Deepest"

What is most often the hardest part about the journey down the path of self-love is admitting that you have a problem in the first place. While it took me quite a while, I finally did learn to admit that the way I was avoiding my problems - and myself - was only compounding my feelings of self-loathing.

In my case, it took the acknowledgment of an objective third-party - a trusted professional - in order for me to realize and accept that I had an issue. If you're going through similar feelings of self-loathing, or think you may be traveling a path of avoidance and self-sabotage, your eye-opening experience may be generated from a friend, a family member, a professional, or even yourself. Maybe even the simple act of reading this article will help you begin to see a pattern that you yourself may be repeating.

Do you often feel badly about yourself? Do you think you're stupid or not good enough? Do you avoid looking in the mirror, for fear of seeing the "real" you? How do you confront your problems: with grief, denial, anger. avoidance? Think about your answers and be completely honest with yourself. If it helps, take out a journal and make notes of your thoughts - being careful to not censor your words. Admitting that you may be engaging in acts of self-loathing, self-sabotage, or life avoidance is a good thing; it will help you start the healing journey down a path of self-love.

Until next time. Namaste.

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