Like so many couples these days, we met online. I noticed his profile on Butch-Femme.com. My first thought was how gorgeous he was and immediately I forwarded his picture to a few friends of mine, wishing that I had the courage to contact him. He noticed me the following day on Curve Personals. Unlike me, he actually took the leap and sent me a 'smile.' After trading MySpace information and talking via e-mail for a few months, we finally met in person just after the New Year. And so began my journey as the partner of a transgendered warrior.

Though I'd always been peripherally involved with the gay community through high school clubs and friends, it was shortly after I turned twenty that I realized I no longer belonged in the heterosexual world. I began exploring relationships with women, learning what it meant to be gay and I chose to label myself a dyke. The power behind the word delighted me and I wore this new title proudly.

Following a cross-country move from San Diego to Washington, D.C., I threw myself into every LGBTQ activity and group that I could find. Initially, my exposure to gender-variant individuals was limited to performances by Drag Queens and Cross-Dressers. But as I started volunteering with several non-profits, working the Gay Pride parade and festival, and immersing myself in the culture, a colorful world of gender expression and identity began to unfold before my eyes.

It was during this period that I discovered Drag Kings. I immediately fell in love with them. Something about these amazingly charismatic people, that used gender expression as a performance art (like Drag Queens), captivated me. The attraction that I felt was overwhelming and undeniable.

Books like Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg, The Drag King Book by Judith Halberstam, and The Testosterone Files by Max Valerio began catching my eye. I read everything I could get my hands on, attempting to understand why I was so attracted to someone that presented to the outside world as a man, but underneath the clothing had the physiology of a woman. Was I really straight? Was I bi? What was it that had me hooked?

Several years passed and after a long-term lesbian relationship, several dating escapades and a great deal of self-evaluation, I stumbled upon a website called Butch-Femme. It was here that I learned about an entire sub-culture within the LGBTQ community whose primary focus was women like me and the people they are attracted to. Initially, my feminist roots rejected the idea of "femme." I questioned the label and the connotations it implied. Through interacting with femme-identified women, I discovered that "femme" doesn't mean docile, subservient, weak, or someone that's victimized by the patriarchy but rather strong, beautiful, vibrant, proud, powerful, and confident in her female-ness (regardless of how that female-ness is expressed).

But what exactly was a "butch"? The true meaning of "butch" is limitless and extremely unique for each person, but in my experience it means someone that expresses their gender as a masculine woman, a male-identified woman, or a female-to-male transsexual. I've also learned that most butches express a great deal of outward strength, are interested in protecting and providing for their partner and many "pack" or wear their cock and harness a large percentage of the time.

Without hesitation or question, this culture of extreme opposites embraced me. I began to characterize myself as "femme" or "queer" depending on my audience, explaining to people that asked how "queer" was an inclusive term that allowed room for gender-variant individuals. Male-identified butches and transgendered female-to-males (FTM) befriended me and I finally felt like I'd found my home.

Through all of this, it wasn't until I became involved with a male-identified butch that I really began to understand the unique set of issues and challenges surrounding gender variance.

While lesbian women struggle to be noticed, fight side-by-side with their gay brothers for equality and recognition in a society that is becoming more and more fundamentalist, it is the butches and the FTMs that take the brunt of society's mocking and cruelty. It is the individuals that are visibly different that suffer the stares, the comments, the finger-pointing, and ridicule. My car may have rainbow stickers and equality symbols plastered across the bumper, but when I walk through the grocery store or enter a restaurant, I am immediately accepted by the vast majority because I am obviously a woman, easy to identify and classify.

When my partner enters an establishment or walks down the street, a casual glance would tell the observer that he is a man. But upon further inspection, many people begin to question what their eyes see and once they realize he is somehow different (even if they cannot verbalize how he is different), they begin treating him as an outsider, someone to stare at. It is not unusual for gender-variant people to hear "what ARE you?" Nor is it uncommon to hear "it" used instead of a pronoun in casual conversation.

Additionally, I've heard more than one FTM and butch comment on how ostracized they feel even within the lesbian and feminist communities. Feeling fiercely protective of both cultures (since they have been my own family for so long), I used to listen to these conversations and complaints with an open-mind, but always looked for a way to defend and excuse the behavior being described. Now that I witness the discrimination first-hand, I feel compelled to ask myself some tough questions.

Can groups and events that declare themselves womyn-only spaces continue to call themselves inclusive and supportive of womyn's issues when they deny entrance to people that identify as male but are biologically female? Though I understand the need to have a safe, comfortable space where women can share ideas and experiences without feeling judged or harassed, what purpose does it serve to exclude someone that prefers male pronouns and dress but who has a cervix, a womb, the same chances of developing breast cancer and will experience menopause? Where do our loved ones turn (both female-to-male and male-to-female transsexual folks) when they too are discriminated against with a lower pay scale, substandard health care, and cannot legally marry the person that they love?

Of course, there is the argument that someone born biologically a female wouldn't feel the need to express themselves as male if they weren't deeply wounded by the patriarchy. While that may hold true for a small percentage that have experienced extreme trauma or loss, it also implies that there is something wrong or defective with people that live their lives in a manner that is dissimilar from our own. So often we feel disrespected and disappointed when we are told that we are wrong for not conforming to a certain religion or ideal, despite the fact that we are intelligent human beings exercising our free will. Choosing to discriminate against someone based on their gender-identity is just as offensive and insulting.

My partner has not suffered at the hands of abuse or molestation, nor has he longed for a strong female figure in his life. His grandmother was a beautiful matriarchal figure of authority and power. He does not express his male identity through aggression or as something superior. He is caring, protective, confident, and encourages my independence and strength. These are traits I consistently find among butches and FTMs. He is not damaged, nor does he need fixing. What he does need is support, compassion, and an inclusive community that accepts him for who he is without judgment or criticism. And I am forced to ask the question: Why is it so difficult for him to find that? Why am I so frequently in a position where I have to defend his life choices or apologize to him for once again being excluded?

I have spent the majority of my adult life volunteering, being politically active, fighting for equality, working to make my voice heard, and embracing the beautiful and diverse community I have found within the feminist and LGBTQ families. But I did not understand the true meaning of bravery and courage, what it really means to be a warrior within humanity, until I began looking at our butch and transgendered brothers and sisters.

With an onslaught of recent media exposure, our society is beginning to recognize these previously-invisible members of our community. Documentary series such as TransGeneration and films like Transamerica and Boys Don't Cry are bringing to light the unique set of issues that transgendered individuals face. Thankfully, many within the feminist and lesbian communities are taking notice and raising their voices in support.

There are times when I am exhausted with having to protect and shield my partner and friends from cruel whispering, rude stares and mean words. There are times when I need to turn to my chosen family of activists and fighters for support and acceptance, when I need a place where my loved ones can turn without fear of prejudice or recrimination so that we can gather our forces before facing the world again. In a culture that is constantly trying to divide us, I hope that we will instead learn to accept and welcome into our ranks the brave and courageous transgendered warriors.

Comments (16)

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Jo Adamcik said:

That's an incredible article! Very touching! Amazing! Loved it!

July 01, 2007

Jae B. said:

This article means so much to me. It is beautifully written, I feel honored in every sense. Thank you for being so strong, so loving, open minded and for caring to bring change for the better. I am very lucky and grateful. I hope that you continue to write and share more.

July 02, 2007

Jen Kay-Williams said:

What a touching and honest look inside a beautiful relationship. Being involved in a loving relationship, I cannot imagine what it would be like to have to "shield" my love for another person. I won't say I'm lucky that I'm in love with a man-- I think we're all lucky to find love and companionship on our life's journey,and who you love should not be an issue-- it's how you love.

July 02, 2007

Sandy said:

As a fellow queer femme and partner of a transgendered individual, I could relate to so much of what you wrote in your article. The butch-femme community at large is a great and welcoming place for us as a couple, but there are even those within that group who are not of the belief that the community should be inclusive to those who identify as male, as my partner does. Like you, I wish for a society that is all-inclusive so that those from every walk of life and every gender identity could find a place in which they feel comfortable and accepted. Thank you for presenting your thoughts and appealing for such a space in your article.

July 02, 2007

Jae said:

I am honored to be yours. I love you more and more each day we spend together. You have such a beautiful, warm, loving, peaceful soul. Thank you for letting me be me, holding nothing back and learning what it means to love life and laugh once again.

July 02, 2007

Ev said:

In my experience, the butch-femme and transgender communities are different communities. And the hatred I used to experience as a masculine woman was much worse than the supportive back pats I get as a passing man. It doesn't seem to be my FTM status that's at issue when I'm in public -- it's how close I appear to one gender or the other, and this would go against your argument that FTMs experience more oppression (the "brunt") than lesbians. It's the folks in the middle who seem to have it the worst, for bucking the system. Nobody has to know my transgender status unless I tell them, or unless they ask why I have a rainbow sticker on the back of my car. As for women's spaces, perhaps male-identified people shouldn't seek to enter them.

July 02, 2007

Dawn said:

Thank you to everyone for their thoughts, words of encouragement, thought-provoking additions, etc. More than anything, I wrote this to honor my partner, address a specific concern within the feminist community and start a dialogue! I guess it's working!

July 02, 2007

Jae said:

In response to Ev's comment...while your experience is valid and important, it is not the only one. Here is my response. She stated FTM's and Male Identified Butches taking the brunt. Not all FTM's have or will have any surgery (Top or Bottom) or take hormones. Some do have it all, some choose to just take testostorone and claim FTM as their Identity. Usually a FTM who is taking hormones ("T") would never be out as anything other then a male. He would only be out if he chose to reveal himself. I am a male identified Butch, meaning for myself that I am "in the middle", taking the brunt of what society has to offer on it's most ignorant level. I am one of those that gets stared at relentlessly, "patted on the back" like a young man by some and stared at by others, and I face the countless other obstacles that we all at one point or another being a part of the GLBTQ community have or will face. Here are some examples for those of you who are not aware of what it is like to just live life. Going to the restroom can be a scary challenge for a Male Identifed Transgendered Butch or someone that doesn't quite fit into either box (male or female). For me, if there is not a unisex restroom out in public, I have to make a choice. Which do I use in order to avoid the most attention and not put myself in danger? I look like a guy typically. Yet, there are those that see me as a female. What restroom do I use that will make everyone be at ease if I were to be noticed once inside? What if I go into a "Womens" restroom and scare someone thinking I'm a man or what if security gets a call that a man entered the womens restroom? There are all sorts of humilating/dangerous scenerios on a daily basis. Especially for someone like myself that is fairly small statured. Or, what about being at a "professional" doctors office? Just today I had the entire staff laugh at me because of the way I look. What do you do when the staff is going on "looks" only and behaves in an unprofessional manner, not bothering to read the new patients paperwork? People do not think twice when dealing with someone who is not like themselves or what is labeled as "normal". After being laughed at because of someone else's ignorance while sitting in a small waiting room full of other patients,. you become belittled and a funny joke to them. Is "IT" a male or a female? My question is this, as very simple as it might seem: If you are confronted with a situation such as this where you do not know how a person chooses to be addressed why not simply make the exception and just use the person's name - no pronouns until you get to have the opportunity to know them and "who" the are. On that last note, I would like to offer another question. Where would you suggest us "male identified Butches" be allowed? I am not FTM or a bio-male, so therefore I cannot fit into the constrictive gender binary place of either "male only space nor womens space only". To me that is what ties both ( I didn't know they were seperate entities) the butch-femme and trans community together. Equality is the tie that we all share. So by stating that I should be denied access to a certain "space" means that i am not welcome based upon "who" I am. No matter how anyone identifies, what it all boils down to is very simple. No matter what we are all human and each of us deserve respect and dignity for being an individual with the right to live our life as we choose, free from harm, ignorance and prejudice. Women-only feminist spaces claim to be working towards equality, but are they really? We shouldn't be defending what "womens" groups we are not allowed into for whatever reason that may be. That only serves to being further destructive to our cause as an unified (GLBTQ) community. Thanks.

July 02, 2007

Ev said:

Hi, Jae-- Since you replied to my comment, I'll respond to you here. I didn't say anything about the difference between FTMs who physically transition (by whatever means they take up), and male-identified butches, female-identified butches, or transgender people who choose never to physically transition when I wrote about taking the "brunt" of oppression. My comment at that point was about not creating a hierarchy of oppression, because 1.) it's quite impossible and unproductive to say that one person's abuse is worse than another's; and 2.) it very often limits any conversation about the complexity of ideology's ability to marginalize people by focusing on its effects instead of on its sources of power. Also, I'm a transman who IDs AS a transman and not simply as a man. Sometimes I pass and sometimes I don't, but I'm not for a minute going to say that I have, in the past as a butch, or in the present as a transsexual, have it worse or better or anything compared to anyone else. I do think that people who identify or present in the middle of the gender spectrum face abuse based on their gender non-conformity, but I can't see the value or foundation of argument in saying that a transwoman's death is "better" than the death of someone who lived life androgynously. And given the dearth of statistics on hate crimes in gender non-conforming communities in this country, there is no basis for saying that anyone "takes the brunt" of anything. So that was my rationale for those statements. I think you should know that if you are in Washington, DC, in the past two years we have passed an amendment to the Human Rights Act and some followup regulations to help enforce that amendment, that protect transgender and gender variant people who live and work (or visit) the city. You are legally entitled to use the public restroom that concurs with your gender identity or expression, you cannot be fired from your job or refused entry to a homeless shelter, or refused housing by any landlord in the city. For more on your rights under the Act, take a look at www.dctranscoalition.org. While the world may be rough, in my experience (as I said in my last comment -- I'm talking about MY experience), there are strategies for getting through sticky situations, and I can probably not say enough that using the restroom is a right, not a privilege, and it should be about YOUR comfort level, not the comfort level of strangers. And yes, I've been chased out of a women's room before. And going back to the regulations in DC again, all single-stalled restrooms in the city are now legally considered gender neutral. If that doctor's office incident happened in DC, you can report them to the Human Rights Commission in DC. As I've said in many other spaces, I believe it's not so much the gender identity of the person as it is how that person is perceived by others. So on that level I believe that butches, FTMs, transmen, genderqueer people, MTFs, and gender nonconformists all have something in common. That is not to say that they are the same, or that male-identified people should be in women's only spaces. MTFs should, yes, regardless of their surgical status or anything else. But if you ID as male, I think that means that it is not appropriate to be in their exclusive space. It's been a hard shift for me to make personally, as I was tied to the dyke community for so long, but I've found new ways to be an ally to the women and feminists in my life. I think if you're male-identified, then yes, it makes sense to occupy male space, trans space, ally space, etc. It's not about me "allowing" or not allowing you, since I wouldn't restrict anyone per se, and since I can't speak for women and any space they would deem women-only. But again, there are a number of resources for people on the male spectrum in DC, including DCATS (and there's a new group starting up for female-identified partners of male-identified people), that are good places to talk about these issues. They're also really good places to get information on trans-sensitive health providers, for your future medical needs. "If you are confronted with a situation such as this where you do not know how a person chooses to be addressed why not simply make the exception and just use the person's name - no pronouns until you get to have the opportunity to know them and "who" the are." Jae, I don't see where this has anything to do with my comment, so maybe you were referring to another comment here. Ev

July 02, 2007

Jae said:

Thanks for clarifying your previous post. As far as the location of restroom and doctors office issues, those incidents have occured while in VA, where there are no laws to protect us. Lastly, to clarify my comment. "If you are confronted with a situation such as this where you do not know how a person chooses to be addressed why not simply make the exception and just use the person's name - no pronouns until you get to have the opportunity to know them and "who" the are." I was refering to my encounter at the doctors office and how I felt things should have been handled and in general... Dawn wanted to inform people and to start a dialogue on this topic. Thanks for your input.

July 04, 2007

bikergal said:

Hi Jae and Dawn. Stopping by to support you guys. The article was very well written.

July 04, 2007

Jae said:

Hey you! Thanks for stopping by!

July 04, 2007

Ev said:

Well, I highly recommend talking to trans groups about how to find culturally sensitive doctors. You can start at Whitman-Walker in DC, DCATS, and T*Families. I wrote an article recently here -- www.rhrealitycheck.org/blog/20...mans-story -- where I list resources at the end. Hopefully this helps you and others out. As for acceptance within the lesbian community, I hope that we can all come to see that we're in this together, and that nobody's struggles should be used to further divide any marginalized community.

July 05, 2007

Tiffany said:

What an enlightening article! As a future nurse, wanting to specialize in women's health, these are issues I will be sure to educate my peers on. Wonderfull!

July 06, 2007

LC said:

Dawn, as someone who is attracted to gender variant people and is still struggling with questions regarding her own sexuality, I appreciate your article. Keep speaking out!

July 09, 2007

Ace said:

Great Article -- very insightful. Thanks. I too get sick of the stares. I'm originally from New York City and usually when I'm there no one bugs me -- but here in the DC area people think it's their duty to make fun of or stare or mock me. I usually give as good as I get -- how dare they!!!!!???

August 22, 2007

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