"What are you?" he asked me. "Some kind of feminist?"
A smile spread across his face. He thought he was joking.
My boyfriend, Ben, posed this question to me nearly three years ago during our first date. He peppered me with questions all evening, asking if I already had a boyfriend or how it was possible that someone like me did not have one. He thought that any "pretty" girl who was single had to be a feminist.
He's lucky he has so many other redeeming qualities that I was eventually able to forgive him for that comment.
"In fact, I am a feminist," I answered proudly.
Since then, Ben and I have had numerous conversations about feminism and its influence on our relationship. But until our first date, I had never considered that my feminist identity would reflect negatively on my dating status or romantic relationships.
"Feminism does not predict poor romantic relationships, in fact quite the opposite." This quote is taken from an article on ScienceDaily.com entitled "Feminism and Romance Go Hand in Hand," which summarizes the results of an experiment conducted by two women from Rutgers University.
I am pleased to learn that I am not the only one who thinks it is ridiculous to disapprovingly judge someone's relationship status based on their feminist background. Laurie Rudman and Julie Phelan also doubt the assumption that feminists have poor or non-existent heterosexual relationships. They conducted a laboratory experiment that found that women with feminist views were "more likely to have longer relationships and greater life experience." Their study also found evidence that "men with feminist partners also reported both more stable relationships and greater sexual satisfaction" (ScienceDaily.com, 16 Oct. 2007).
By the vociferous response this article generated in feminist blogs and news sites throughout the internet, I gather that many women and men are as baffled as I am by assumptions that feminists make lousy girlfriends. But these assumptions, I think, depend on a person's definition of a "feminist."
In 2002, when I first began to explore my feminist side in an academic setting, I conducted a survey amongst some friends who, at that time, reported no background in women's studies. I asked them for their own definitions of a feminist, and their answers showed a clear misunderstanding. One person answered that feminists are "women who are anti-men because men have more benefits than they do and they want to change that." Another responded that feminists are people who hold "extreme, radical opinions biased in the favor of women and includes derogatory behavior towards men."
If these are popular opinions about feminists, it is no wonder people conclude that feminists often have poor or non-existent heterosexual relationships! One need only speak to a real life modern day feminist to know that these perceptions are usually far from the truth.
Ben soon learned that "pretty" women can be feminists and that not all feminists are single by the nature of their beliefs. He even began to like the perks of dating a feminist, for example, not going broke after the first few dates because I was more than happy to pay for my half of the bills, as well as treat him once in awhile. After a few weeks together he told me I was the most independent woman he had ever dated. I attribute my independence and free-thinking to many aspects of my life, but my feminist ideology is definitely in the foreground.
Almost before I'd finished reading "Feminism and Romance Go Hand in Hand," I e-mailed a link to Ben and wrote, "See, I told you so."
Even he admits that he has no cause for complaint.
About the Author
Anne Greenawalt is a swimmer, a Buddhist, a feminist, and a prose writer (not always in that order). She has an MA in Creative Writing from the University of East Anglia in Norwich, England and is writing a novel. Some of her musings can be found at http://somekindoffeminist.blogspot.com.
My curse is my gift. My nightmares, deep sensitivity, and emotional instability gives the best (and most uncomfortable) inspirations I could ever have. For me, art is passion - and visions are the mirror, which show my feelings and connect me with the rest of the world. Read More...
Anne Greenawalt is a swimmer, a Buddhist, a feminist, and a prose writer (not always in that order). She has an MA in Creative Writing from the University of East Anglia in Norwich, England and is writing a novel. Some of her musings can be found at 
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