It isn't often that a movie is so bad that it makes me want to turn it off after just a few minutes of viewing. The unfortunate part for me, however (and, if you think about it, the good news for you) is that I have to keep on watching, regardless; that's my job. Here, with the DVD release of Beowulf, this concept truly gave me a run for my money - as, like a bad accident where I can't turn away, I had to keep watching... even though it all made me want to vomit - and in more ways than one:

1.) The CGI alone was overdone to the point of distraction... and motion sickness;

2.) Gore and nudity abound in Beowulf... and not in a good way. Remember the Seinfeld episode that talked about the difference between 'good naked' and 'bad naked'? A CGI rendering of Anthony Hopkins's asscrack is most definitely, hurltasticly 'bad naked'; and

3.) Any movie that showcases a slobbering, bloodlusted monster that rips humans in half and then guzzles their blood is definitely, in my book, awarded a high yak factor.

Beowulf is at once visually overstimulating and intellectually dull. There is no story to speak of - and even less acting. The characters are just that: one-dimensional characterizations of the actors they once were, each worst than the last - from John Malkovich's smarmy character with a badly enhanced accent, to Anthony Hopkins's barf-worthy skeeziness, to the voice of Ray Winstone being slapped atop a CGI impersonation of an oaf who may as well be sputtering lines like, "Me, Tarzan, You, Jane," and, last - but certainly not least - to Angelina Jolie's character being reduced to a mere soft porn illustration. The movie would have been so much better if the CGI effects had been used in small doses. Instead, director Robert Zemeckis has opted to try for an effect that is utterly disconcerting: the characters look as if you could reach out and touch them - while at the same time harboring a vacant-eyed doll look that is truly haunting. As for the action of the film, gore takes center stage, while the dizzying special effects are just that: worthy of creating motion sickness in even the most stable of stomachs.

With that said, even setting aside my feminist sensibilities, this is one terrible movie. I'll give it one and half stars, but only for visual ingenuity. The rest, my friends, isn't worth the two hours of your life.

Beowulf starring Anthony Hopkins, John Malkovich, Robin Wright Penn, and Angelina Jolie
Paramount Pictures, Unrated. Available online at Amazon.com.

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